blurred.

i don't know what happened. but i can't seem to face this blog anymore.
whenever i sign-in and view it, my hand automatically shoots to press the [x] button.

ang labo.

that's why i haven't been able to post for, what, almost two weeks now.
sayang. i have a LOT to say. and i've been keeping them all in. oh god. i need to pour them out.
but where?

i can't write things here anymore. anything.
it's not that i don't want to. it's more of i can't. can't. CAN'T.

what's wrong? it's like this blog scares the shit out of me everytime.
well, except ngayon. miraculously, my fingers are actually moving across the keyboard. bakit nga ba?

anyway. seeing that i'm in no condition to write here any time soon for god knows what reason, i may be going on a hiatus for a while.

a break. or i'll probably change my url. or switch blogs.

grabe. agggh.

the deaf, the mute and the grounded

as of march 26.08, i am:

deaf+paos+hallucinating+tired

+GROUNDED.

***
i am all those, all because of the 27 farewell party.

hindi naman ung hallucinating. that's probably the result of being downright bored. but being bored out of my mind is probably the result of being grounded. so, yeah.

but you know what? despite becoming partially deaf and having zero speaking capacity, not to mention getting grounded for the rest of the summer, IT WAS ALL WORTH IT. because nothing can match up to the amount of fun and laughter and joy (?) that surrounded us last monday. march 24.08. farewell party ng 27.

masyadong maraming nangyari non. and i am pretty convinced that if i tell you everything that happened, or even just the summary, novela ang kalabasan. nobelang mas mahaba pa sa kinagigiliwan naming,"florante at laura". kaya, no thanks na lang. besides, i don't think my writing could do justice to the event. so let's just leave it to your imaginations :)

***
what i will tell you is the getting grounded part...

daddy was supposed to pick me up in mcdonalds, atc at around 7 pm. pero who was i to know that it would take me 3 more hours to get there? honestly, i had no fault in this. at first glance, it may seem that it's all my fault. but once you take a step back and look at the bigger picture, i have absolutely no wrongdoings, whatsoever. the events were out of my control-honestly!

from the resort, nagsiksikan sa kotse ni hazel. (bakit laging sa kotse ni hazel tayo nagsisiksikan? remember intrams first year?). labing-tatlong bata plus nanay. iniwan ang dalawang bata sa jollibee kaya mediyo nakahinga na rin. stop-over sa bahay ni hazel para hintayin ang sasakyan ni danton na magdadala sa amin sa mcdo. siyempre naman, isang oras rin kamin naghintay sa bahay ni haze (love you robbie!) para sa nawawalang driver.

grabe, that one hour felt like 5 hours for me. sobrang tense. pano ba naman kasi, i had two dragons breathing down my kneck. namely, my mother and my father.

they kept calling me and i kept trying to avoid their calls kasi i didn't know what to say anymore. you know how my mother can be. the nagging fire-breathing dragon that she is. i was surprised i didn't burst into tears when she called me up and said, "angeli. maguusap tayong dalawa pag dating mo sa bahay". maybe i was too scared to cry. or to move. or to think. or to do anything for that matter.

i felt like andy from devil wears prada. and my mother was meryll streap. only with less fashionable clothes and 5 inches shorter.

finally dumating na ang driver. sa wakas! relief! hinga. i practically leaped out of my chair and ran to the car. in my haste, i forgot my manners. nong pinipicturan kami ni tito, napasigaw ako ng "DALI!". i didn't mean to, it slipped out, i was panicking. SORRY!

anyways, as if the universe wasn't done with me yet, traffic pa talaga. oh sure. it was like starring in my own shakesperean farce. finally, 3 hours after the original meeting time, i arrived. i couldn't look at my father straight in the eye. all he said was "you're grounded". and even I, the ever rebel, couldn't find anything to say back.

so long story short. meet the grounded gang: ANGELI, NICOLE, LAWRENCE, JIGGY (?)

ewan ko kung grounded si jiggy. siguro hindi. i'll ask him pa. ;p

***
HA! grounded? ako? sinong linoloko niyo? you can't ground me. i'm ungroundable. i'm angeli freaking medida. who are you kidding? certainly not me. nothing can keep me away from a lakwatsa. ano pa kaya, 16 reunion party. no chance hommies. NO CHANCE. let it go.

kasi ang alam ko, last summer, grounded din ako eh. and we all know where that plan went. down the drain. i'm too charming, too persuasive, too good to be grouded. i can get out of this one in no time. tama sabi ni kuya, isa akong daga. i'm sure he meant it in the best possible way. i even have 3 escape plans already. haha. let's see how long this one lasts.

church-hoppers

okay i have to admit. i am not the most religious person in this world. i don't pray every night before i go to bed. i don't usually listen to the homily. and more often than not, i pray only because i'm asking for something. and when it comes to bisita iglesia, well, i'd rather not.

if you don't practice bisita iglesia (in other words, kung hindi ka pilipino) it's when your whole family visits 7 churches and does the way of the cross in every one of them. you do it during holy week. when exactly? i'm not sure.

and they say that when you've finished with all 7 churches, you can make a wish.
but i say, hello. wishing well, anyone? really, it only costs one coin.

anyway, the five of us did our share of the yearly tradition. and i felt so guilty that i was feeling so forced. like i really didn't want to be there. like i'd rather be at home. like i was only doing it because it was my duty. and i was. ang sama ko. i know. pero i'm only being honest.

because the truth is: island-hopping i can do. party-hopping i can do. table-hopping i could do if i just got off my lazy ass and tried it. but church-hopping? not exactly for me. and to prove it, half of the time when we were doing the way of the cross, i was laughing. and the other half i was trying not to laugh. i know that wasn't exaclty the place and the time to laugh but i just couldn't help it. and you know me. when i say i can't help it, i mean i really REALLY can't help it.

and my brother wasn't helping either. pinapatawa lang niya ako lalo. tae. kaya un. para kaming tanga don, dalawang batang tumatawa habang lahat ng tao seryosong nagdadasal. pfffft. i should be ashamed of myself.

pero si kuya eh. he's the wittiest, funniest most sarcastic person i know. i'll ever know, probably. and when we're not pulling out each other's hair (or in his case, kung hindi niya ako dinuduraan ng siopao), we're the best at winding you up, throwing catchphrases and cracking jokes.

si kuya. 200 jokes per hour.

ayan. we ended up only finishing 2 churches. ha! nagutom kasi ang mahal kong mga kuya at nang-raid ng aristrocat bakery. pagkatapos non, we really intended to do one more church. para hindi naman nakakahiya. pero once we got inside the car, the parade started. and fortunately enough, they were parading on the street where we were parked. kaya ayun, nastuck kami. as in literally stuck. as in the only way out was to run over the people in the procession. and even i'm not that mean.

kaya family bonding inside the car. nuts and eclairs being passed around.

speaking of eclairs...

i think meron pang naiwan sa fridge. oh temptation.

can we chill

'cause it's nine in the afternoon. and your eyes are the size of the moon.

you could cause you can so you do. we're feeling so good.

just the way that we do. when it's nine in the afternoon.

-nine in the afternoon. panic at the disco

this is NOT how i planned my summer vacation to be. a few months ago i was envisioning sunny skies, birds chirping, children a-playing and the beatles' here comes the sun playing on the background. and instead, i got sweating my socks off and hysterical boredom. being a couch potato all day was not on the agenda.

iiyak na sa init. iyak iyak iyak.

and yet here i am. 5 days into summer. having nothing, whatsoever, accomplished. eating the whole contents of the refrigerator barely counts. sigh. really angeli, buhay baboy is not a healthy lifestyle. my sugar intake is so high, at the rate i'm going i'll be obese by the end of the summer.

akkk. treadmill na to bukas. i'm planning it right now. tomorrow's gonna be exercise day. 2 hours treadmill. 1 hour situps. and another 2 hours for whatever it is you do when you exercise. push-ups? crunches? situps and crunches are the same right? and in the case of my sugar intake, well it's simple really: i just won't eat. no eat. how hard is it to say no to food?

bull. shite. dinuraan ako ni kuya ng siopao. wow. really mature marty. and you're graduating when? next week? really, how appropriate.

i am bored out of my wits. i am going out of my mind. i'm pretty sure i'll be wheeled into an assylum very soon. dear god. it's only the 5th of summer. how the hell am i going to last 2 more months? oh god. summer is sounding pretty dim for me right now.

akk. my mother's locked up in the room, in a bad mood. my dad has stolen the dvd, depriving me of watching one tree hill. my brother's immature. and my other brother's god-knows-where, probably drunk. san ka pa?

and then there's tomorrow...

a while ago, i was listening to goodbye mr. A by the hoosiers. and then i suddenly burst into tears. that's how depressed i was. AM.

it's not that the song was a deliberately sad one. dear heavens, of course not. it's just that one moment i was bobbing my head to the music and the next moment, i was tearing up and sobbing exactly like when my rabbit died. maybe because i'm confused. maybe because i can't seem to get the right answer out of the quadratic equations. or maybe because tomorrow's the last day of classes. and maybe because i don't want it to end. not just YET.

don't get me wrong, i love summer. i CRAVE summer. but this year, this month, this situation i'm in, i just want to push summer away and delay its flight for another 2 more months. at least by then i'd have settled my unfinished businesses. because heaven knows i'm not even close to finishing them.

BULL. SHITE. y varies directly as x squared and inversely as z blah blah...


omygodohmygodohmygod. last day. tomorrow? get out. shit. i'm not ready i'm not ready. no, no no NO. bloody hell. bloody hell. that can't be right. wala na, wala na.

oh god, i'm gonna miss them so much. we're not even heading to college yet. what the hell is going to happen when we head to college? i know what you're thinking. that i have letting go issues. but i don't. i seriously don't. it's just that i don't want to let go yet. 2 weeks? 2 months? 4 months, maybe? but not tomorrow. heaven's not tomorrow.

goodbye mr. A! you promised you would love us but you knew too much..

this is the part that you might not fully understand. well, i don't expect you to understand, really. and i don't think you're gonna. but i just need to write these down. STRESS. RELIEF. HINGA. haaay.

i'm so confused.i don't know what's happening. what the hell is happening? it's like one moment is completely different from the next. like one person is different from the other, when they're actually the same person. CONFUSION. what would confucius say about this? she who does not speak will not be spoken to. he who does not move will go no where. bull shite. nababaliw na si geli.

oh god. i don't want to be mad anymore. and i don't want anyone to be mad at me. not today, not tomorrow, especially not tomorrow. i don't even know why i was mad to begin with. this is just so immature. oh stupidity. oh clarity. i only have tonight. what's left of tonight, i mean. and then there's tomorrow. the few hours of tomorrow. oh god.

CLOUD 9

MARCH 7

hands down, that may be the best day of my life.
or if not, then certainly a strong contender.

if you don't know, march 7 was my birthday. 15th birthday. and it was in one word, fantastic. and i mean no exaggerations.

the day started with a bang. a really really good bang that made me smile: the first genuine smile i've had in weeks. and that kind of set my mood for the day. usual stuff happened at school. happy birthday greetings, happy birthday songs, a gift from hazel (lab youuu!). and after dismissal, the gang headed to serendra.

serendra lovin with hazel, beekee, ange, abby and barbie. when i was planning the trip, i thought we'd be spending the whole day touring the shops and trying on this and that. but count on the gang to surprise me. instead, we found ourselves in places like hobbes and fully booked. HA! NERD!

if you haven't stepped foot inside a hobbes shop, then you should really consider it. at least the one in serendra. bagay sa mga taong mababaw ang kaligayahan. oo, kami na un. anyways, we played this really intellectually-degrading game. the one where youu had to get the red car out of the maze with other cars blocking its way (what's it's name?). sounds simple? bullshit.

ange: okay guys kaya natin to.
angeli: okay, ano na gagawin? gagalawin to diba?
beekee: hindi! wait lang wait lang WAIT LANG.
abby: ifoforward mo ata ito eh.
barbie: hindi. kasi ibloblock niya ito.
abby: ay onga noh. e pede namang ganituhin...
ange: hindi pa rin...hmmm...
barbie: ano ba to. nakakabobo naman to.
hazel: ah alam ko na! gagalawin mo to. tapos ito forward tapos...ay mali. hmmm...

after stopping by krispy kremes (oohhh. 600 calories. treadmill treadmill TREADMILL!) we headed off to fully booked. didn't actually sit and read anything (except of course for the occassional childrens book) but we did take pictures. pictures with the books. pictures of our reflection. pictures kissing MIGUEL PEREZ's poster. usual stuff.

dinner at fridays after that. laughtrip. especially when the waiters sang me a happy birthday...

now you have to know, i hate it when waiters sing me a happy birthday. its not so much that i have anything against it. it's just that i dont know what to do when they crowd around the table, eyes all on me, seranading me with a song. all those jolly little folks. and the onlookers don't help either. i don't know what to do with my hands. on the table? on the sides? clapping to the rhythm? or my mouth. grinning? heaven knows i have a stupid grin.

and so when the time came when they seranaded me with a kakaibang bday song, i just stared at them in horror. both hands on my mouth, shielding the world from the sight of my stupid grin. and it all just happened so fast. i have a vague memory of it. i only recall ange clapping to the rhythm, beekee filming the whole thing, barbie laughing and hazel laughing even harder. and that stupid american man gawking at me from another table. it was terrible. and yet it felt good.

2 hours later, i was back at home enjoying the last few hours of my birthday. and the day ended exactly how it started. with a really really good bang. and that bang stayed with me until the clock hit midnight.

jelloid.

dearest angeli,

you must stop this nonsense at once. it is quite unbecoming of you to turn into the smallest, tiniest, most unremarkble being whenever a certain mr. someone is within 10 feet away from you.

it is unacceptable for you to shrivel up into nothingness whenever you know he might be watching. it is unacceptable, not to mention not very pretty-looking, that whenever you know he is watching, you hunch your shoulders inward while keeping your head down... like a clam. it is also not acceptable that your legs get wobbly and jelloid whenever you pass by him. wobbly legs might result to you falling face first to the ground. and heaven knows that won't be a pretty sight.

lastly, it is not acceptable that you grow tense and nervous whenever you are near him. "near" being at least 5 feet away. which is quite far, actually. you know that feeling tense sometimes leads to you perspiring. and having a face filled with oil and sweat is not a very inviting sight.

may i remind you that you are 14 years old. turning 15 this march 7. clearly, you are old enough to control your emotions. if not, then your wobbly legs.

and do try to pull yourself together before the upcoming volleyball match. so you won't make us much blunders as you did the last time. and so you won't make a fool out of the both of us. god knows i will not forgive you if you do.

try to actually hit the ball. over the net and within the lines of the rectangle too. and try not to scream "mine!" when you actually have no intention to hit the ball. but at the same time, try to scream "mine!" so you won't bump into aivi while the both of you send the ball flying towards the dancers rehersing for the prom.

good luck.

kindly unspoken

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF ANGELI GABRIELLE F. MEDIDA LIKES YOU?

1. she will not speak directly to you. and in my terms, "speaking" includes the ever so simple hi, hello, goodbye, and happy birthday's. even if you are there, standing in front of her, with your eyes locked and she knows she has to say something...well, she's won't.
   
   
2. she will not acknowledge your presence. an example? she needs an extra ballpen because hers just run out and she sees you with your friend. she will ask your friend if he has an extra and when he simply shakes his head, she will not bother to ask you. even though she can see two ballpens lying on your desk.
   
   
3. she will avoid you. as much as possible. let's say she was heading towards a certain object. and you were approaching the certain object as well, from the opposite direction. when she sees that the two of you are about to meet, she will sharply turn her heel around and walk away. from the certain object. but most importantly, from you.
   
   
4. when you try to talk to her or ask her something, she will not give you her reply. instead she will just sit and stare and look like the moron she already knows she is. need i say more?
   
   
5. she will ignore you. completely and utterly, 100 percent, without a doubt- she will ignore you. even if her dear life depended on it, she will still ignore you.

and that is how the lovely miss angeli gabrielle f medida shows that she truly likes a person. specifically, someone from the opposite sex.

***

listen hard and listen well because i am only going to repeat this once and only once. it is hard enough for me to admit this to myself, what more to the rest of you.

i know why i act like this. i know why i avoid and ignore the people i like (males only) just like i have ignored and avoided you for the past year. i know i've told people that i'm just built like that. but sadly, i am not. i can flirt and bat my eyelashes all i want, i just choose not to. why?

because i choose not to be aggressive. i hate being aggressive, i hate the very word itself. and so, i've always minded my attitude, minded each step. careful not to cross the line. careful not to assert myself too much, afraid that it would work to my disadvantage. but sometimes, just like the past year, i mind my steps too much that i fail to notice that i'm at least 6 feet away from the yellow line. and when i do realize that, i'm too scared to step forward. a coward.

that's why i never told any guy that i liked him personally, face to face. sometimes, the news would eventually reach him. and other times, it wouldn't. either way, i never found any courage to own up to what i felt. but last year, i did just that. as summer started.

but just as the words were released (not from my own mouth. but from my friend's. yes, i am that much of a coward), i wished i could take them back. because i felt like i was being aggressive when i really wasn't. and so for the past year, i've been taking extra careful steps not to cross the yellow line again. just to find myself already 12 feet away from the line.

and now. the school year is coming to an end. and the first strings of summer are starting to appear. will i have the guts to put one foot in front of the other and reach that line before its too late?

this valentines day

oh look at that. it's february 12. two days more and it'll be february 14. and you know what february 14 means right?

it's the day of giddy girls, sweating boys and flowers all around.

this valentines day,i am going to force myself not to be the person i was at this time last year. i am not going to be that mushy overly-dramatic brat i was last february. no. i am not going to rave on and on about love and the likes, pretending to know all about it. when i really don't. i don't know anything about it. in fact, i don't even like saying those four letters combined together.

anyway. i like valentines at san beda. all those tough boys are reduced into little sweating things anxiously waiting for their liniligawan at the gate, their faces barely seen behind boquets of flowers. they all look cute and sweet, actually. if they could only be like that everyday.

and all those giddy girls gushing about the latest gossip. who received what from who. who's giving what to who. who didn't accept the flowers. who didn'y GET flowers. the likes.

oh. this is going to be fun.

here comes the sun

little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter. little darling, it feels like years since its been here. here comes the sun do-do-do-do. here comes the sun, and i say, it's all right.

been infected by beekee's ongoing beatlemania. although i can't exactly say i'm gaga over the whole band. no. the truth is, i'm only gaga for one song: here comes the sun. do-do-do-do.

it's been playing in my head for the whole day. constantly. on repeat. with no end in sight. and why shouldn't it? it's the perfect song for this perfect day. and you know i hate saying 'perfect'. it sounds so martha stewart. and i hate martha stewart. she has to include 'purr-fect' in all of her sentences. but i guess this time is an exception. :)

the day started badly. very badly. for one thing i desperately wanted to eat meat. barbeque to be exact. but it's a friday and we practice abstinence around here. and i do want to abstain, reckoning it'll pull me farther away from eternal damnation and all, but i BADLY wanted to eat meat. in the end, i didn't of course. too much of a bloody conscience. plus, i know i've sinned a lot lately so, really, i need this.

second of all, my mother and i got into a heated discussion. for normal people, heated discussions just stay as heated discussions. but when its me and my mother that's doing the discussing, well then, that's a whole different story. we were arguing about the whole lozada issue. corruption in the government. i got ticked off when she said that corruption's just part of the government nowadays. and i retorted with, 'well, that's not right. is it?!' and from there...i don't even want to talk about it. i'm supposed to be happy. very happy. BLISS.

anyway, we eventually got to sm for some looking around the shops. i have to do this from time to time. in every mall i know. you know, just to look at everything that's out. even if i don't buy anything (rarely), i am convinced it is good for my soul. and so we look we look we look. and i saw some tempting clothes. must buy that tshirt jacket in freeway. and that shirt in kamiseta. and the one from philosophy.

and then, alas! the core of all my the happiness i have accumulated today, the very reason, happened at that moment. i can not tell you what exactly this 'core' is. simply for the fear of other people finding out. people who do not need to know. but what i can tell you is that this "core" was something that i received from a small rectangular electronic device. and so i kept on receiving and receiving and at the same time i kept on giving and giving using this small rectangular electonic device.

and while i was preparing to give using this small electronic device, i saw it. gasp. the shoes ive been looking for months. right there in front of me. the last stock, as the lady said. and it fit me purr-fectly. and so i bought it. discounted. and the rest of the day breezed on through.

and now, as this day is about to end. i am still in a happy mood. and a while ago while i was looking out the window i was thinking how the sun was shining exceptionally bright today.

little darling, the smiles returning to the faces. little darling, its been years since its been here.